everyone is single if you try hard enough
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
