I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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