Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
