Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
