1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
