Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
