I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
