guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
