How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
