8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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