There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
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You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
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I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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