The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
