Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
