OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
