I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
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It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
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As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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