If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
