the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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