We named our party play list daddy issues
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
your like the ambassador to my penis.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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