Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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