That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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