i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she told me i tasted like america
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
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