This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
