If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
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He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
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Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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