she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
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I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
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I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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