I just pynch a tree in the face
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
