im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
His nipple licking is glorious
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