i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
