That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
