i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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