I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
she peed on how many people?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
