her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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