I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
