Kiss
Puke
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
