My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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