I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
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I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
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i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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