It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize