Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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