the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
