K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
