its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
