I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
tell your sister to shave her snatch
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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