someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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