I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
