i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
