while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
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All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
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He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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