zippers are such a cool invention
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
