I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
