I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
