my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
tell me about the eggs
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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