had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
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It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
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Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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