He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
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what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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