My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
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Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
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The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
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My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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