Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
