sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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