Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
