I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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