Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
